Of course I miss my dad. What's sort of odd to me is that I find myself recreating him in my mind, I revisit the feel of his hands, or the way his brow felt when I would kiss him on the forehead. My father lived the last 2 or 3 years of his life, primarily confined to a wheel chair. I guess we got used to seeing him that way, after all he had his stroke almost 10 years ago, and little by little he lost a bit more mobility until finally, after suffering a heart attack, he was finally in the chair for good.
I mention the wheel chair because when I see him in my mind now, or in a dream, I see him standing tall and strong.. All 6ft-4inches of him, and it just makes me--for lack of a better word-- giddy. Being able to see him as he was prior to the stroke and the heart attacks has been such a blessing for me.
Its been difficult to sulk because I've seen quite a few people around me suffer the same loss and I've watched as they've handled it to the best of their ability. I've empathized with their pain and through that empathy I gained a deeper perspective and even some consolation. Not that misery loves company, but to know that we are all connected, that we all suffer the same losses and that we all revel in the same joys gave me an even greater peace.
I'm thankful to live in an age where I can turn on my computer or my phone and pull up videos of him. I'm thankful to be able to hear his voice and look at the creases in his brow, or the salt-n-pepper mustache and beard, I hope to some day inherit. I'm still adjusting to day to day life without "Pop" and even though I miss him, I still feel his presence, and though I don't like to say it--I feel a sense of relief for him.
I know that he is no longer wheel chair bound, he's no longer hurting, he's not limited, he has his freedom and I pray that he has Allah/ G-d's mercy.
